Lockdown in Czechia - Day Five - Friday March 20th 2020

Report by Trentin Quarantino

I wake up at 8.30am, just as Harley gets a call from her friend Sue, the friend she made the shoes for a couple of days ago. My instincts, and experience, tell me this call could take a while, but in the brief moment I see Harley before she heads outside for coffee and a cigarette she looks a hell of a lot better than last night. So that's at least a positive start to the day.

At 9.40am they are still talking. I check with Harley to see if she wants to brave the great outdoors today, but she's engrossed in her phone call and so I spend a bit of time updating the blog with yesterdays news, and note that Harley somehow already managed to write her update - probably when I was banished to the kitchen last night hoping she was sleeping.

By 11am they are still talking, so I settle down to read for the duration. It could take a while...

At lunchtime I get another message on the Book of Face from the manager who actually seems to listen to me when I explain my issues, and it seems there may be a solution. There is a colleague who is out of town for the duration of the crisis, and one of my Night Demon colleagues is working from his flat. So as long as he's okay with sharing the space I have a place I can work next week, and so can save my vacation days for more important stuff - like shenanigans.

This improves my mood a little, but as working remotely is evidently a shitshow for everyone I'm really not looking forwards to joining the crew again next week.

The phone call is now at four hours and counting. Make that five. And now it's finally over!

After the epic conversation Harley seems enthused with the idea of setting up some sort of online craft store once the current crisis is over. This is something I will be happy to support in any way I can, as not only is she good at making all manner of things, she really enjoys it and it helps her keep calm.

So a win-win as far as I'm concerned - once the lockdown is over I'll go and stock up on whatever materials and other things she needs to get started - this has to be better than her being a wage slave for people who literally drive her to insanity.

The song I re-wrote yesterday turns out to be shit, so I spend most of the afternoon re-writing Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles and giving it a modern, current twist. This originally takes about twenty minutes, but then Harley gets all difficult and wants things to rhyme and shit so she makes me do it properly. Then makes it more difficult by playing the piano in the other room while I'm trying to be creative.

Eventually though I manage to get it done to a level that is suitable for a woman of her talents - and I say this with admiration for her many skills, not in any way to be flippant or dismissive for the record. After singing it through a couple of times it sounds decent too, so I feel happy with myself for creating something. I won't post the whole thing here, but for anyone interested the chorus goes;

All the stupid people

Where do they all come from?

All the selfish people

Where did we go wrong?

So as you can probably guess it's super light hearted and uplifting...

The rest of the afternoon is spent with us both sitting on the couch writing, her jotting down her memoirs of the day so far - at least that's what I guess she's doing - and me writing a pointless essay about being born in the wrong place and time that will probably find it's way to some dark corner of the internet to be ignored forever at some point later today.

I suppose one good thing coming out of this lockdown for me is that I'm actually writing stuff again - I've been unable to write anything for years now, yet with this blog, re-written songs, and the essay, I start to believe that maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I can complete the novels I started writing several years ago.

Most of the rest of the day is spent quietly reading, although we do go through yesterday's blog post and Harley is kind enough to point out that I appear to have forgotten how to use English grammar properly. Of course, it's possible I never really knew this as well as I thought I did, and all my years working as a proofreader were just a massive con job.

It was well paid though while it lasted, so I don't mind!

Late in the evening we learn a second colleague has the virus. It's someone I barely know, so I'm probably okay, and 12 days since Harley last saw them. so hopefully we're going to be okay and avoid infection. For now at least. We both feel that we're going to get it sooner or later no matter what precautions we take, but in the meantime we'll do our best to follow any rules that are put in place in order to protect others.

This is a really shit end to what was, for the most part, a reasonably nice day, and soon after hearing this news we're both in bed for the night.

Additional reporting by Harley Quarantinova

Another messed up dream to wake up from - I was given a task to check copies of some documents and make sure they matched each other. No matter how hard I tried to fix them they would never end up identical.

Spent a few hours on the phone with my creative friend and got to at least partially witness her joy when the package with shoes I made for her arrived. Since then the conversation revolved around us starting a business together. She thinks I could make a living from selling different things I can manufacture, and she would be very happy to contribute with her promoting skills, and eventually some products of her own. Neither of us has much choice in this in long run really - we keep burning out as employees for all the same reasons so we might as well give up and do what we do best.

The talk filled my head with optimistic fantasies and plans and helped me feel like I might have a chance to live my life in a meaningful way one day after all.

Physically I feel considerably better than yesterday but mentally I'm still very fragile. My heartbeat is unnecessarily fast as if I was faced with a life-threatening danger. I'm constantly ready to jump up and fight for survival.

I managed to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist next week.

Also managed to get frustrated with myself as I just cannot get the melody of the song Trentin re-wrote yesterday right. When I'm finally ready to give up trying he comes with a Beatles' song he re-wrote that doesn't have such tricky chords but I'm not clear enough on the melody either. I made him change some words so the lyrics fit the rhythm and rhyme where they need to. Now I cannot get it out of my head but anything is better than the shit nesting there usually.

I feel like I didn't accomplish much today. And days start to merge into one another, actually, I have difficulties remembering any that would stand out in a good way since... forever. This lockdown is not better or worse than any other shitty time of my life, it's just a new shade of personal hell, not as sharp as others but darker and thicker than most. My main goal is to survive this one without being admitted to psychiatric hospital. Holding the shit together without doing anything worrying and dangerous.

I'm doing my best to stay away from people who are not self-proclaimed lunatics now. I'm worried I might spread my mental state onto them, and also I know I'm no longer comprehensible for most people. The friends I used to share my everyday reality with before the meltdown now feel to me like they're living in another dimension and don't even speak the same language. I'm sorry, guys. I'll eventually bounce back to your world, I promise. Just don't forget me and please don't hate me for being a proper psycho.

Our pet hedgehog's breathing sounds a bit strange so I decided to check her and find out whether she looks healthy. I'm worried she might get infected so I wash my hands properly before touching her. But then she tries to climb up my arm and hide in my shirt so I get anxious as my clothes are definitely not sterile and I'm putting her at risk by even picking her up. The last thing I want is to kill our animal with my selfishness and stupidity.

I'll check on Google what the chances of the terrifying virus being passed from humans to domestic animals are later, but mainly have to concentrate on getting rid of all the fear, guilt and paranoia at this moment. I think a soothing bath is in order. I hope I can drown my demons in the nice smelling bubbles, and also that the last remaining bits of my sanity can swim.

Turns out they cannot. It would be inappropriate to be sane now anyway. Two evening calls from my friends make it clear to me that I'm not the only one struggling with staying grounded in this situation. One of the people I really admired for their responsible and sensible approach to this crisis was tested positive for the damn thing. This news doesn't change anything on how I feel about my chances of having it. We weren't in any close contact despite me hoping that one day we could find an opportunity to talk as I feel I can never have too many decent people around me.

My anxiety was replaced by the feeling of deep helplesness and loneliness despite the fact that Trentin is always around to hold me and be there for me. Quick internet search reveals that, logically, so far nobody investigated whether Covid kills pygmy hedgehogs, and I desperately need to hold my animal and let her show me there are worse things than my paranoia, for example her being picked up from her box by an annoying human and persuaded to accept cuddles. 

Her displeasement and sudden vitality had an usual effect on me - I fell asleep while she massaged my stomach with her little feet, woke up with poop on my shirt, let her go back to her house and climbed to my own bed for another fruitless effort of refreshing night's rest.