Report by Trentin Quarantino
I almost pass out on the way home from (not my) home office - so damned exhausted it's ridiculous. Who knew doing nothing at all, or almost nothing, could be so fucking tiring? Still, at least it's the weekend.
Get home and, like yesterday head pretty much straight to bed. It takes me slightly longer than yesterday to fall asleep, maybe five minutes or so, and when I wake up at 2pm I know I'm in trouble as I can hear Harley talking to herself loudly in Czech - my guess is that my snoring woke her up again.
I get up to face the music and we have an argument we've had before. Too many times for my liking, but I guess until the things causing the fight are fixed we'll continue having the same heated debate - I basically need to learn to stop hating myself so much, get a grip, and start to take control of my life.
I'm hoping the impending move to Moravia will help with this, and that said move can happen sooner rather than later. Maybe in the summer with luck.
Once the fight is over I go and buy another cooked chicken from the store as we're both hungry. And an uncooked one to cook while we're eating the first one. And a duck for tomorrow. This causes my brain to come up with what I personally consider one of my better jokes recently, and when I tell it to Harley after getting home she snorts with laughter, so I guess she agrees.
Once we demolish the cooked chicken we decide to hold fire on the second one for the time being. Harley calls her friend for a while and I make sure the blog is up to date, then settle down with a book for the duration of her call.
We then watch a few videos on Youtube showing the state of panic buying in the UK - this both depresses us because. well, fuck humanity, and also makes us feel slightly superior because at least we live in a country where that nonsense doesn't happen.
By now we're both tired again, so we head to bed to watch some more stupid Aussies throwing shit from a great height videos, but not before Harley explains that the real reason she was so pissed off earlier today is because her medication was screwing with her brain, and she wanted me to be there to help her get through the worst of it, but didn't want to wake me up to ask me.
So she's basically pissed at me for sleeping, then pissed at herself for feeling guilty for wanting to wake me up, then pissed at my work schedule for meaning I tend to sleep when normal people are awake, and after several hours of this going on in her head she exploded at me.
I tell her to just wake me up next time - I will never, ever, have an issue with this. Then we watch the stupid videos, and after three or four of these Harley falls asleep. Me? I'm wide awake - of course, so go into the kitchen for a while to do not very much, but at least I can avoid disturbing her while I'm not doing it.
I finally go to bed at around 5am, hoping that Sunday will be better. But realistically it has to be - we're going to head to the forest for a few hours. And we have a duck!
Additional reporting by Harley Quarantinova
I woke up after 8+ hours of decent sleep feeling absolutely terrible. During the first waking hour I figured attempting suicide was not worth it as I am such a useless waste of air that I would probably mess up even that.
So I just went to be depressed all on my own in the kitchen, bitching online about my mood with a friend. She's a good friend. Thinks constructively, which I sometimes hate, especially when I just want to feel sorry for myself and go looking for somebody to do that with me, but today I needed her approach. Made me stop feeling suicidal.
I am already aware of the fact that these are just side effects of the antidepressants I started taking two days ago, unfortunately I'm too experienced with psychiatric medication not to remember this is what most pills do to me for the first two to three weeks. Different mood swings that are incredibly hard to manage. I hate psychiatry.
It's still a terrible, lonely day. Cannot do much about it, don't want to wake the tired male up. Sitting in the kitchen, staring out of the window or at a phone screen didn't make me feel much better. Tried a bath and some Pratchett, still ended up feeling shitty. And, of course, the fact that my time now flows so much differently and I suddenly have tons of it doesn't help in this particular situation at all...
Around 2pm I got really frustrated and angry. If that asshole is going to leave me alone in here, at least he could have enough decency not to snore so bloody loud and irritatingly! And then I just had enough and started shouting at the wall. That woke my man up, as intended, so of course I stormed out to have a cigarette, slamming the door dramatically, because the scene I was making just wouldn't be complete without that.
After I came back, I was evil. I mean PMS multiplied by ten kind of evil. I took everything about Trentin I was ever frustrated with, blew it out of proportion and smacked him with it. I spent 3 hours giving my man the worst crap I could ever possibly think of. And was just getting more wound up by the fact he never started yelling back, so tried to provoke an adequate reaction. Unsuccessfully.
I eventually calmed down and went back to being depressed, at least now I had a valid reason. I treated the person who treats me with love and respect like shit and couldn't imagine him not feeling like he was one. It's enough he so often says he's an useless idiot who never achieved anything that would matter, he doesn't need to hear it from the one person he thinks genuinely likes him.
And then the good soul goes to the store to buy supplies. Because that's who he is. In my experience the afternoons like we just had can serve as a great apology for the victim to go and get gloriously drunk. Poor guy, cannot even do that, with all the pubs closed. And sitting in park drinking from the bottle isn't his style. Generally, drowning his hurt feelings with alcohol isn't what he does, not when I'm the one responsible for his feelings getting hurt anyway...
When the dinner Trentin bought for us is eaten, I call my friend who was trying to reach me earlier while I was occupied by yelling. We have quite a nice talk and it isn't even about coronavirus for most of the time! My brain is getting tired of that topic. There sure still must be other important things to talk about...
Before me and Trentin go to bed to watch something that would distract us from everything that sucked today, I realise I owe my future husband some explanation. I don't want to ditch the responsibility for my actions, just feel it's the least I can do for him, bring some clarity. Still doesn't make me feel any better about myself. But I don't mind feeling like an asshole after acting like one.
The usual silly Australians throwing things off a tower are much more enjoyable than the British panic shopping videos I asked to watch before as I couldn't imagine what that might look like. Eventually I get tired enough to go to sleep. We're planning on going out tomorrow for my 3 allowed hours, and as the time change means we're going to get one hour of our Sunday stolen, we need to get up pretty early.
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